Someone to pet dogs with. Someone to sing with. Someone that doesn’t mind my horrible singing. Someone I can make laugh. Someone to cry with. Someone emotional. Someone open minded. Someone who hears and takes my point of view into consideration. Someone who celebrates me. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone who makes my cheeks hurt. Someone to dance with. Someone who is serious. Someone who is indifferent about humans the way I am. Someone to eat pie with. Someone who can handle my bossiness. Someone to play with. Someone to wrestle with. Someone who can admit when I’m right. Someone to read with. Someone to read to. Someone to dance with. Someone who likes to learn. Someone who likes to try new things. Someone that finds it hard to say no to me. Someone to productively fight with. Someone that I want to make up with every time. Someone who is obsessed with me. Someone who daydreams about me. Someone who sees no one else but me. Someone to drink in bed with. Someone to listen to music with. Someone to share ideas with. Someone who is constantly bettering themselves. Someone who makes me want to be better. Someone who can make me smile even when I’m mad. Someone with muscles. Someone that wants to help. Someone with soulful eyes. Someone to plan and adventure with. Someone I can stand being in the car with for days on end. Someone I want to eat entirely because they are so adorable, handsome, cute. Someone to make friends with. Someone who will be proud of me. Someone I am proud of. Someone smart. Someone that isn’t overly friendly. Someone well put together. Someone to hold hands with. Someone to talk to about my day with in the shower. Someone to make hair art with on the shower wall. Someone to make weird noises with. Someone that smells like home. Someone that can sing. Someone that has spectacular rhythm. Someone that buys me flowers. Someone that gives sweet kisses. Someone that appreciates my overwhelming emotions. Someone to caress me an unfair amount of lengths. Someone that offers to do tasks and happily. Someone with a great laugh. Someone to cook with. Someone to cook for. Someone that knows how to stay out of my way in the kitchen. Someone that likes being my su chef. Someone to sit on my porch with. Someone that plays card games with me willingly knowing they will lose. Someone that likes mental stimulation. Someone that likes my spontaneous and at times crazy ideas. Someone that radiates warmth only for me. Someone that gives me a side to them no one else knows of. Someone that takes care of me. Someone that lets me take care of them. Someone to hold me and comfort me. Someone that brings me food when I’m cranky. Someone that reminds me I’m loved every day. Someone who wants a cow, and chickens, and ducks, and lots more dogs. Someone who shows me grace while I work on myself. Someone who surprises me. Someone who keeps trying to get to know me better. Someone to binge tv shows with. Someone that does the dishes after I cook. Someone to play video games with. Someone who is you.
I wake up. Most days I try to keep my eyes closed for as long as possible. Most days I feel dread. Dread. It's even hard to type it. I'll smoke a bowl, to settle my nerves. Most days that's enough to make it bearable. I'll still struggle to get up. I like to spend a lot of time dreaming of what I could do, not actually doing it. The dream, every day, is to run away. I like to fantasize about floating in the air or underwater. I like the thought of feeling light. Admittedly, I wonder if that's what death feels like. These thoughts help me cope. I focus on feeling nothing for as long as I can. But some days are worse. Some of the days I claw at my skin. Some of the days I have to rock myself back and forth. Some days I force myself to take a xanax so that I won't cry all day. All of the sudden I feel everything. It scares me when it feels like this heavy, dark, posion in my stomach. I can't put my finger on it. Something is inside of me and I want it out. It...
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