Skip to main content

Questioning: 9/16/20

 I wake up. Most days I try to keep my eyes closed for as long as possible. Most days I feel dread. Dread. It's even hard to type it. I'll smoke a bowl, to settle my nerves. Most days that's enough to make it bearable. I'll still struggle to get up. I like to spend a lot of time dreaming of what I could do, not actually doing it. The dream, every day, is to run away. I like to fantasize about floating in the air or underwater. I like the thought of feeling light. Admittedly, I wonder if that's what death feels like. These thoughts help me cope. I focus on feeling nothing for as long as I can. But some days are worse. Some of the days I claw at my skin. Some of the days I have to rock myself back and forth. Some days I force myself to take a xanax so that I won't cry all day. All of the sudden I feel everything. It scares me when it feels like this heavy, dark, posion in my stomach. I can't put my finger on it. Something is inside of me and I want it out. It's poisoning everything. 

I try so fucking hard to be alive. It shouldn't be this hard. Someone else could live in my body and give it a better life. Take my brain and throw it out. I am wasting my life feeling like this. I'm tired of pretending. I want to be left alone. Don't ask me questions, don't make me talk. I don't care... about anything. Is life really just sitting in silence with yourself, looking around, at the same rooms and people forever? Is there answers in traveling? The come down hurts just like any other drug. Will I make it til next time, will next time be enough, will anything ever be enough. What, in the end, keeps me here. At this point, not knowing. If I knew what was in store for me, I'd be gone already. 

Today was one of those days. I struggled to follow the motions. I was grateful when I remembered to pour myself a cup of water. I have to think in lists. I have to ask myself what will make me feel better and go from there. Every day I'm overwhelmed. So, most days, the answer is to rest. I rest a lot. More than most people, I assume. Everyone can't feel this exhausted by living. At least I hope not. If you do, I'm sorry, and I'm looking for answers too. I really hate talking. It doesn't seem to work for me. I don't feel like my point comes across. I don't feel understood. Part of my list is self care. Sometimes it's a productive list like yoga or gardening, running or reading. Most days it's an embarassing list like getting out of bed or washing my face, pouring myself a glass of water or gulping a pill. Trying to drink a glass of water. Trying and failing. I'd like help. Are therapy and medication the help I need? 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

It's Okay

Peace is when you’re in the midst of all the craziness, and you can take a deep breath, despite all the bullshit, and know you’re okay. You’re okay. Be at peace…I’m at peace with all of the bad, and all of the good in my life. I’ve accepted that no matter how great my life is, there is still negativity everywhere. The only way to be at peace with life is to accept the negativity that comes with it. Feelings, emotions, and moments…they all pass. In fact, everything passes. You feel like you want to die? I promise you, if you’re patient, you will find a reason to live. You’re in love? I’m sorry to break it to you, but you’re going to fall out of love. You’re sliding down your bathroom wall while your face is drenched in tears? You’re going to get up. And listen very carefully…YOU. ARE. GOING. TO. BE. OKAY. And how do I know all of this? Because that was me. I wanted to die, I fell in love, and I cried my heart out. As impossible as it sounded then, it happened. I’m here. I’m alive. And ...
Post a Comment
Read more

I Choose Meat

Today I watched not one, but two bunnies get butchered. I watched because of respect. Being a meat eater, but also choosing not to eat beef, and wanting to be more conscious of what I'm eating and where it comes from. I watched because of knowledge. If I'm going to raise rabbits and sell them as meat rabbits (inevitably), I want to know what their death may look like. I watched because of choice. Choosing to eat meat over the years, I never put much thought into it. I'm such an animal lover and have thought I would become a vegetarian at times, but it honestly sounds so ridiculous to me. Especially when I think back to a time of hunters and gatherers. But, my point being that if watching a rabbit being butchered didn't turn me into a vegetarian it will make feel better about eating meat at least. So, did I gain anything from this or did it feel plain satanistic? As the man put it, "I'm no satanatist". I didn't get any joy out of watching ...
Post a Comment
Read more

5/3/2015

Coming to you live at 5:17 AM. How I got here? I couldn't begin to explain. It's been a long day, a long week, and a long month. I'm not going to complain about it though, I'm simply going to tell you the facts. I'm becoming engulfed in myself. Whatever I feel, I make it a point to let it consume me to the fullest. I feel tired. I feel anxious. I feel sad. I feel melancholic. Luckily, I know this will pass, just as well as I know that it will come back too. I want to explain to you how tired I become when I hear something I don't want to hear, and knowing I have to continue my day wishing I never heard it. Wishing I could be back in my bed, and asleep. Away from reality. I want to explain the anxiety I get when I know there's a problem I need to speak up about, but can't find the words, or the guts, to say something. My hands get clammy, and my lungs fill up with so much air that it takes my breath away. I want to explain the sadness I feel when I think ...
Post a Comment
Read more