Here we go: #MentalHealthAwareness
For those who won't make it through the whole thing just know I hope you decide to live today and every other day. Mostly because I'm selfish and need other fucked up people similar to myself for emotional support, because this shit is WAAACK.
When I was 16 the depression became noticeable. Weeks spent in bed, grades going down the drain, attempted suicide, self harm, the whole package deal. When I was 18 I was diagnosed with basically everything a mentally ill person can be diagnosed with... PTSD, Generalized Anxiety, Depression and showing symptons of Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality. (Yeah, don't fuck with me). In between 16 and now I walked out on multiple jobs, traveled in order to "find myself", got in questionable relationships, continued the self harm, avoided my family, etc. It got ugly but then it would be okay for a little bit, like a steady but manageable trickle of darkness. I got lucky because I started to cope and live with my illness with the help of my baby brother. He doesn't know it but he's the reason I decide to stay alive every single time I want to die. There's a little boy who needs to know to fight. And there's people we will never meet that need to know to fight. We need survivor stories. So that someone else might choose to live. That's you. That's me. That's all of us. Fighting. Deciding to live another day. Because what is there to learn from this if we are all dead?
I'm 24 and I've managed pretty well over the years until recently. It's funny how you think you are completely over something when your life is going as planned, but then everything changes and that massive hole you've been clogging up with... yoga, bursts. Because yoga, reading, writing... doesn't fix shit. It's like a cute Hello-Kitty Bandaid that comes right off when a little water gets to it. So, dive back into my deep depression. Months of finding the last ounce of motivation I have every day just to get out of bed, shower and go to work. The numbness always scares me the most. You know, when you can't begin to care about what happens next, because nothing sure does sound comforting. We know it so well, the worthlessness, starving ourselves or eating too much, staying up all night and sleeping all day, numbing the pain with whatever is in arms reach, questioning everything and everyone. Do I even want this job? Where do I go? Why do I need a degree? Is this what I really want? Who am I trying to please? WHO AM I? WHAT IS THS? IS THIS EVEN REAL? You know, the usual.
So, that fun stuff has been happening on a daily basis and I almost forgot it could get this bad. I forgot what wanting to die looked and felt like. But, today I got out of bed and I showered. I am also taking time to write this... For myself but mostly for you (it's the little things). To tell you that this isn't who we are. It subsides, back to that manageable trickle. And when it does, you, me, WE have to make the most of it. Because hell yeah it's coming back and we are going to go through it alllllllllllll over again and we are going to have to survive in order to tell our stories. We have to survive so that others will see and they won't feel alone. We have to survive so someone out there who thinks they aren't going to make it another day knows that we made it another day and they can too.
Ask for help. Talk to me, anybody, multiple people. Wait it out. This is not it. I'm telling myself, this is NOT it. You don't have to believe it, I don't yet. But, I'm going to keep telling myself that until I do. So, if you made it this far, I'm asking for your help. You with your mental illness that you carry around so bravely. How do you manage? Do you or do you not take medications? Do you attend meetings? Therapy? Retreats? Do you just manage by yourself like a fucking rockstar? Share your stories so that we are not alone!
Oh, and if you don't have any mental illness and made it this far. I'm so proud! Check on your loved ones, ask if they're okay. Share this. Do research. Become aware of the things that eat at the people you care about. Learn what you can do to make their existence somewhat comfortable. You're the best.
For those who won't make it through the whole thing just know I hope you decide to live today and every other day. Mostly because I'm selfish and need other fucked up people similar to myself for emotional support, because this shit is WAAACK.
When I was 16 the depression became noticeable. Weeks spent in bed, grades going down the drain, attempted suicide, self harm, the whole package deal. When I was 18 I was diagnosed with basically everything a mentally ill person can be diagnosed with... PTSD, Generalized Anxiety, Depression and showing symptons of Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality. (Yeah, don't fuck with me). In between 16 and now I walked out on multiple jobs, traveled in order to "find myself", got in questionable relationships, continued the self harm, avoided my family, etc. It got ugly but then it would be okay for a little bit, like a steady but manageable trickle of darkness. I got lucky because I started to cope and live with my illness with the help of my baby brother. He doesn't know it but he's the reason I decide to stay alive every single time I want to die. There's a little boy who needs to know to fight. And there's people we will never meet that need to know to fight. We need survivor stories. So that someone else might choose to live. That's you. That's me. That's all of us. Fighting. Deciding to live another day. Because what is there to learn from this if we are all dead?
I'm 24 and I've managed pretty well over the years until recently. It's funny how you think you are completely over something when your life is going as planned, but then everything changes and that massive hole you've been clogging up with... yoga, bursts. Because yoga, reading, writing... doesn't fix shit. It's like a cute Hello-Kitty Bandaid that comes right off when a little water gets to it. So, dive back into my deep depression. Months of finding the last ounce of motivation I have every day just to get out of bed, shower and go to work. The numbness always scares me the most. You know, when you can't begin to care about what happens next, because nothing sure does sound comforting. We know it so well, the worthlessness, starving ourselves or eating too much, staying up all night and sleeping all day, numbing the pain with whatever is in arms reach, questioning everything and everyone. Do I even want this job? Where do I go? Why do I need a degree? Is this what I really want? Who am I trying to please? WHO AM I? WHAT IS THS? IS THIS EVEN REAL? You know, the usual.
So, that fun stuff has been happening on a daily basis and I almost forgot it could get this bad. I forgot what wanting to die looked and felt like. But, today I got out of bed and I showered. I am also taking time to write this... For myself but mostly for you (it's the little things). To tell you that this isn't who we are. It subsides, back to that manageable trickle. And when it does, you, me, WE have to make the most of it. Because hell yeah it's coming back and we are going to go through it alllllllllllll over again and we are going to have to survive in order to tell our stories. We have to survive so that others will see and they won't feel alone. We have to survive so someone out there who thinks they aren't going to make it another day knows that we made it another day and they can too.
Ask for help. Talk to me, anybody, multiple people. Wait it out. This is not it. I'm telling myself, this is NOT it. You don't have to believe it, I don't yet. But, I'm going to keep telling myself that until I do. So, if you made it this far, I'm asking for your help. You with your mental illness that you carry around so bravely. How do you manage? Do you or do you not take medications? Do you attend meetings? Therapy? Retreats? Do you just manage by yourself like a fucking rockstar? Share your stories so that we are not alone!
Oh, and if you don't have any mental illness and made it this far. I'm so proud! Check on your loved ones, ask if they're okay. Share this. Do research. Become aware of the things that eat at the people you care about. Learn what you can do to make their existence somewhat comfortable. You're the best.
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