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5/3/2015

Coming to you live at 5:17 AM. How I got here? I couldn't begin to explain. It's been a long day, a long week, and a long month. I'm not going to complain about it though, I'm simply going to tell you the facts. I'm becoming engulfed in myself. Whatever I feel, I make it a point to let it consume me to the fullest. I feel tired. I feel anxious. I feel sad. I feel melancholic. Luckily, I know this will pass, just as well as I know that it will come back too. I want to explain to you how tired I become when I hear something I don't want to hear, and knowing I have to continue my day wishing I never heard it. Wishing I could be back in my bed, and asleep. Away from reality. I want to explain the anxiety I get when I know there's a problem I need to speak up about, but can't find the words, or the guts, to say something. My hands get clammy, and my lungs fill up with so much air that it takes my breath away. I want to explain the sadness I feel when I think of the thought of anyone I care about leaving, because everyone leaves, one way or another. I contemplate begging people to stay sometimes, and I imagine their reactions being somewhere along the lines of, "I'm not going anywhere, I'm right here." Thats the little girl in me, wanting to hold on for dear life to everything around me. I want to explain the melancholy I experience when I'm looking up at the stars, and I wonder why I can't be up there with them. I feel so small, and that's because I am. We all are. I want to explain so much, and the only way to do it is for you to see all sides of me. This side of me is very real, and very present at all times. I like to think everyone has this side to them, and that some are just better at hiding it than others. I, fortunately and unfortunately, am one of those people that can hide it. It comes with lots of practice, that needn't be bragged about. But I don't want to keep being afraid of feeling. I'd rather feel tired, anxious, sad, or melancholic, than to be afraid. That's no way to live. I want to experience it all. Because what's life if you're scared to live, and how can you fully begin to live if you're not willing to experience every aspect of life? The good, the bad, and the ugly. I'll take it all.
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