Be yourself, in all of your entirety. Feel everything, in all of it’s entirety. Don't be afraid of making connections. That's what I personally think will kill all of our souls. Don't let something or someone decide how you will carry on the rest of your life. Decide now, to be open. I've been dealing with struggles within myself for way too long now, and felt like I needed to preach to the choir. Maybe you will need this. Maybe you will make the connection to your own life, and come out a better person. I'm writing because I want this to be read. I feel like I have something to say, whether it gives you a good laugh, or genuinely means something to you. Probably a good laugh. But this genuinely means something to ME. I'm 100% out in the open now. You have my life...in a blog. My heart just skipped, and butterflies are hitting the walls of my stomach. I'm so nervous, but I'm SO excited. When you look forward to the future it changes your life. Life is quite literally put into your own hands. I was scared, I still am, of dying. I had the mind set that I needed to live everyday to the fullest, which everyone should do, always. I had the mind set, but I wasn't doing anything about it. I'm sure there's some nifty saying or quote out there about procrastination...*insert here*. I can't really tell you where this sort of epiphany came from or when it came to me. I can tell you what I do know. I am here to challenge my life, and win. I will gladly admit that I have no idea what I'm doing. I just have a good feeling about this. I think I have finally reached the state of optimism. So weird...I think this is my testimony. No, Kaila. Say it (write it) out loud. Breathe in all of the life around you, and hold it all in until it spreads through your whole body, and soul. Now breathe out. This is my testimony.
I wake up. Most days I try to keep my eyes closed for as long as possible. Most days I feel dread. Dread. It's even hard to type it. I'll smoke a bowl, to settle my nerves. Most days that's enough to make it bearable. I'll still struggle to get up. I like to spend a lot of time dreaming of what I could do, not actually doing it. The dream, every day, is to run away. I like to fantasize about floating in the air or underwater. I like the thought of feeling light. Admittedly, I wonder if that's what death feels like. These thoughts help me cope. I focus on feeling nothing for as long as I can. But some days are worse. Some of the days I claw at my skin. Some of the days I have to rock myself back and forth. Some days I force myself to take a xanax so that I won't cry all day. All of the sudden I feel everything. It scares me when it feels like this heavy, dark, posion in my stomach. I can't put my finger on it. Something is inside of me and I want it out. It...
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