Taken by the Wind

 I wake up. Most days I try to keep my eyes closed for as long as possible. Most days I feel dread. Dread. It's even hard to type it. I'll smoke a bowl, to settle my nerves. Most days that's enough to make it bearable. I'll still struggle to get up. I like to spend a lot of time dreaming of what I could do, not actually doing it. The dream, every day, is to run away. I like to fantasize about floating in the air or underwater. I like the thought of feeling light. Admittedly, I wonder if that's what death feels like. These thoughts help me cope. I focus on feeling nothing for as long as I can. But some days are worse. Some of the days I claw at my skin. Some of the days I have to rock myself back and forth. Some days I force myself to take a xanax so that I won't cry all day. All of the sudden I feel everything. It scares me when it feels like this heavy, dark, posion in my stomach. I can't put my finger on it. Something is inside of me and I want it out. It...

Here we go: #MentalHealthAwareness For those who won't make it through the whole thing just know I hope you decide to live today and every other day. Mostly because I'm selfish and need other fucked up people similar to myself for emotional support, because this shit is WAAACK. When I was 16 the depression became noticeable. Weeks spent in bed, grades going down the drain, attempted suicide, self harm, the whole package deal. When I was 18 I was diagnosed with basically everything a mentally ill person can be diagnosed with... PTSD, Generalized Anxiety, Depression and showing symptons of Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality. (Yeah, don't fuck with me). In between 16 and now I walked out on multiple jobs, traveled in order to "find myself", got in questionable relationships, continued the self harm, avoided my family, etc. It got ugly but then it would be okay for a little bit, like a steady but manageable trickle of darkness. I got lucky because I start...

Today I watched not one, but two bunnies get butchered. I watched because of respect. Being a meat eater, but also choosing not to eat beef, and wanting to be more conscious of what I'm eating and where it comes from. I watched because of knowledge. If I'm going to raise rabbits and sell them as meat rabbits (inevitably), I want to know what their death may look like. I watched because of choice. Choosing to eat meat over the years, I never put much thought into it. I'm such an animal lover and have thought I would become a vegetarian at times, but it honestly sounds so ridiculous to me. Especially when I think back to a time of hunters and gatherers. But, my point being that if watching a rabbit being butchered didn't turn me into a vegetarian it will make feel better about eating meat at least. So, did I gain anything from this or did it feel plain satanistic? As the man put it, "I'm no satanatist". I didn't get any joy out of watching ...

What or who would you be if you knew you couldn't fail? I would travel the world and be a freelance photo journalist that specializes in nature, wildlife and destinations. Take pictures of everywhere I've been and all of the exotic animals I've seen and write about it. Make a significant amount of money where I can comfortably travel wherever I want with my family and show them the world. What is your ninety-second personal elevator speech? (to get someone to fully understand you) No matter how old I am, I am young at heart. No matter how young I am, I am more mature than my age. I am compassionate and want so badly to see the good in everyone. I am too willingly able to love and forgive. I love everything about life, not just mine, but life in general.  Beauty can make me crushingly sad. I find more room in my heart everyday to feel and love things. I am tired and lay in bed for days on end to re-energize and I think about everything that has happened to me and what...

Feeling good, and getting by. That's what it's about for me. I've never wanted anything more than to be content, and when I'm more than content...well, that works too. I wasn't looking at this move as a new start, but that's what it is. A new state, a new house, a new job, a new PUPPY. It's terrifying in a sense because I don't know for sure where this will all take me. What I do know is that being happy and terrified is usually a good thing. Those are the moments worth living for, and I'm currently living it. I'm not positive about what will come next after this. But whatever it is, it'll be worth it. I'm going to do what I want, and live the life I want. I'm going to be happy. I'm going to take risks. I keep these things in the back of my mind. When making decisions, these are the things that help me decide. What's best for me is what I want, not what anyone else wants for me. There's not a certain path meant for me. I...

I'll pout my lips, give shy smiles, subtly touch my face, look a little longer than I should. You want something to look at? I'll give you something to look at.You want to know me? Yeah well, mystery is a bitch. It pulls you in, and makes you want more. But guess what? You don't get more. When your mind starts to wander, you have to stop, and focus. Focus on your wife, the one sitting right the fuck next to you. And what is she doing? The same exact thing you were. Eye fucking some person across the room, because your pathetic lives aren't enough anymore. I know this, you know this, we all fucking know this. You feed off of the young, and we feed off of you too.

Be yourself, in all of your entirety. Feel everything, in all of it’s entirety. Don't be afraid of making connections. That's what I personally think will kill all of our souls. Don't let something or someone decide how you will carry on the rest of your life. Decide now, to be open. I've been dealing with struggles within myself for way too long now, and felt like I needed to preach to the choir. Maybe you will need this. Maybe you will make the connection to your own life, and come out a better person. I'm writing because I want this to be read. I feel like I have something to say, whether it gives you a good laugh, or genuinely means something to you. Probably a good laugh. But this genuinely means something to ME. I'm 100% out in the open now. You have my life...in a blog. My heart just skipped, and butterflies are hitting the walls of my stomach. I'm so nervous, but I'm SO excited. When you look forward to the future it changes your life. Life is q...